False modesty, categorization and the search for self-worth

I love Belinda.

Okay, so I know it's an odd beginning to this post, but stick with me for a minute. I work with a woman named Belinda. I haven't known her for a long time, but we liked each other the moment we met. She is a woman who, I have found, has my back. She knows what I struggle with. I know she prays for me and thankfully those prayers have carried me through the last month.

Belinda is also black.

I'm not a person who looks at someone's color or so I thought. She made a comment, that we were both strong women. I said, quite enviously, that I wished I was a strong, black woman. Then she said something to me.

It doesn't make any difference.

We grew up differently. Belinda says that she was raised to have a strong self image. She knows how to read and talk to people, a gift that I frankly wish I had. I was raised the third out of four children. I had difficulties growing up. I was always the one the kids targeted and made fun of. I never understood why. Maybe I was perceived as stuck up or stupid. Who knows?

Truth was, I was just a scared kid. The psychologist at school said that my parents didn't pay enough attention to me. My mother didn't know how to help me. So I grew up, always thinking that I wasn't worthy. Maybe it was my Catholic upbringing. Who knows?

I've struggled with a poor self-image most of my life. I think most women do. But God never meant for women or men to feel that way about themselves. I was raised not to act too proud or too immodest, there have been times in my life where I've almost taken that concept a bit too far.

False modesty.

False modesty is a sin. Where in the world does it say that putting yourself down gets you anywhere in life? And why do people think they are so unworthy? I've wasted so much time being afraid and letting fear rule my life. I want to break free and use the gifts that God gave me to make a difference in this world. True, I will still make bad decisions or say the wrong thing (or things), but there is forgiveness. Good does come out of bad, whether it's a self-realization or a good change in a relationship.

Good happens.

Belinda is right. We are all strong women, a force for good in the world. It's not our color or they way we look. It is truly about the "content of our character."

Until next time.....

Working it out.

It's been a rough week, writing wise, that is.

I've been working on the story and doing some journaling (or self-contemplation) at the same time. I do this because if I'm feeling blocked, at least I can write about something. For the people who know me well, they know I don't talk a whole lot about what I'm thinking or feeling. I don't know if it's because I don't want to hurt people's feelings or whether I'm making something out of nothing or a combination of the two, but it's just hard. I always feel like I'm the one who makes it right or at least tries to.

I'm told I need to talk about things. True, but is it really necessary to talk about everything? Today, with Facebook and Twitter, it's easy to say too much. While I love to tell you what is really in my heart or on my mind, baring my soul is not my favorite thing to do.

Okay, so it's been a bad week.

So, while Oliver (aka cat or human in pygmy form) and husband reacquaints himself around the house in the evenings (he's been attending college. He is now home on break), I will attempt to get myself out of this hole I'm in, figure out the way the next chapter should go and feel better about myself.

Until next time.....

So its been a while..

It's been a while since I've posted my first blog. Unfortunately, time has that funny way of getting away from you. All my good intentions to post something weekly have gone by the wayside.

Maybe it's been a good thing. I've been thinking about the title, "A Work in Progress," and wondering what exactly I should be writing about. Should I write about my life? Should I write about writing a book?

All my life, writing has been a creative exercise for me. It always felt good for me to put the current happenings of my life on paper. It has also been my ambition to write for a living. At first, I thought it would be children's books, since my full time job is teaching. I always saw myself doing both. But two and a half years ago, on September 27, 2008, I decided to write down the ideas that were going through my head for a month.

Surprisingly, everything in my life started to make sense.

Even more surprisingly, I found that I lived for the hours that I could tell the story that was inside me. So I wrote. And it's not always been easy. Still isn't. It is my firm belief that a writer is an artist. They craft pictures with words. A writer is also someone who is easily misunderstood. The characters you write are part of you. They live inside your head and you have a connection to them that only you understand.

So, I hope that you will want to share this journey with me. I know that I've set some ground rules (see previous blog entry), but I'm willing to bend a little. Oh, and I promise that I'll write at least once a week, if not more.

Till next time....