I have been journaling more lately. I go through times like this, especially when I'm trying to work something out in my own life. I hope you read this and think about what is being said..
September 11, 2011
It is the ten year anniversary of the darkest day the Earth has ever known. Hard to believe that it’s been ten years, but it has.
And how the world has changed. Life seems harder and people seem angrier. Innocence is lost.
As I sit, contemplating my life to this point, I realize that I must change. I have been held captive by fear, fear of the unknown, fear of the future. Fear of anything unknown.
You see, I’ve made a realization that I must find my voice. I’m constantly feeling bullied, victimized. I guess that when you were raised in a family where you were suppressed, you start realizing that you have lots to say.
But is it too late for me? I’ve always thought that I was a successful person, a college graduate. Married. Home owner. Teacher. Yet, I feel so unfulfilled. I feel that I have so much to say and do yet.
But it seems no one cares.
I’ve prayed for a way to find my voice. At this point in my life, I feel like I’m on permanent hold, that I am in that waiting place. I have a job. I work hard to be a good wife, a good employee, a good person. I should be thankful that things are at peace.
But I don’t feel at peace.
As I look out at the coming night sky, brooding, angry dark clouds remind me that another day in my life is done. Tomorrow will be here soon and it will soon be another day. Have I lived my life the way God intended me too? What is it that I desire to do, to change people’s lives for the better?
Dear Lord, please let me find my voice.
These are the words I utter deep in my spirit. Only God knows my heart, my frame, so says his Word. I feel like David, someone who failed many times in his life but understood that God still loved him despite himself. Do you love me despite myself, Lord?
Kevin Geoffrey writes about the state of the soul so eloquently. “Here is the key to releasing the sinner from captivity to his own flesh the shock of shame that comes upon him when he finally realizes that God has been watching-and waiting-all along...waiting, to show him mercy and grace, to love him, and separate him from his sin.”
God waits. Some people understand and run into his arms. Some of us, myself included, don’t think we’re worthy of that kind of love. Yet, God does think we are worthy, no matter how ugly or black our souls, no matter that we think ourselves failures.
God waits patiently. He loves completely. He forgives, He cleanses, He opens His arms wide to accept us.
Why can’t we see ourselves like God sees us? Better yet, why don’t we accept each other, listen to each other, love each other?
Dear Lord, let me find my voice. Change me, change my life for the better. Help me to realize that my days are in your hands, that my life has purpose and meaning.
Help me find my voice....
